Peace is an Inside Job
A conversation with Faith Marsalli on her two favorite books on grace-filled political conversations.
Faith Marsalli, former pastor at Klamath Falls Friends, has a certain courage. A native of Orange County California, where the Republican brand is foremost, she dares to have political conversations with people who have the very opposite opinion of hers—and stay in loving relationships.
Just how is that possible? I asked Faith. I told her I had gotten through the U.S. politics on Facebook okay. Then somebody started posting the same Russian propaganda points I heard when we lived in Russia.
That's when I lost it.
“We've all lost it," she replied. “And I think that's why we're trying to work on it. That's what motivates us, because we get so triggered by things that that feel so completely opposite of what our perspective is. And how do we have a conversation and not lose our cool?"
“It's even in our body language," she explained. “You can feel that sensation in your body. So just noticing it and pausing, being willing just to take a minute to say ‘okay, I'm getting heated up here but I want to be able to have a conversation that's respectful.'"
She even encourages strangers in a public library to listen to each other, in a structured way, without cross-talk. “It's not about getting your point across or debating, but really listening deeply to what's underneath the words." For four years, Faith and another Friend at Klamath Falls organized listening circles at the county library about all the tough issues of the day—abortion rights, gun control, immigration, etc. Participants took the circles concept back to their workplaces, churches, and the high school at Klamath Falls. Here are her guidelines for the listening circles.
Some conversations didn't go well. “I was having a conversation with someone and one of the folks said, ‘I'm not gonna talk to the other side—they're all a bunch of nut jobs. I'm not gonna expose myself to all that negative energy.' I'm going Oh, my goodness, this is this is why we're where we are. Because people are othering. It's the ‘those people' and ‘those people are bad people.' We tend to judge them based on their views."
Scripture card on the table during small group discussions at quarterly gathering at Eugene Friends.
In 1989 she started attending Reedwood Friends in Portland. It was the first time she had heard a woman speak in church. During her time at Reedwood, “there was a really a transformation of my own heart. Really at the heart of the gospel, I think Quakers have a view and a lens that is very powerful."
“For me, the heart of the gospel is love, but I feel like with Quakers it was the whole idea that ‘you let your life speak.' That's more powerful than anything you say. But how do you put that love into action, in practice?"
How indeed, I thought, especially with family, with such intensities of emotion between family members.
“I became more liberal, when I became a Quaker. I started seeing this whole idea of the gospel as love. It's not what I grew up with, in the sense of the militarism, and defending your country. It just changed my whole thinking about even the way I vote and the people I vote for, as a Quaker and having a social conscience.
In the book I Never Thought of It That Way, [author Monica Guzman writes] about her parents being Mexican immigrants who voted for Trump, and that she was a Democrat, and that she wanted to go and watch the 2016 election results with them. She just talks about how they have different views, but they love each other. And within my family, it's very much the same. They're very conservative Republican. And so I've had to learn how to have these conversations with them."
It's not all about the other person.
“I recommend these books because I think they shed some light on ways we can enter into conversation with people in a respectful way, and also with the expectation that we'll learn something, that we don't have all the answers."
“That would require a shift!" I replied. I would have to admit that maybe I'm not right with a capital R."
“Yes, Faith said." It's about not being afraid to examine the issues closely, and being willing to have your mind changed.
“The book [I Think You're Wrong (But I’m Listening)] helped me to see there are some ways that I get locked into my thinking, and I'm not open sometimes to examining about how the other side feels about the issues."
Faith advocates self-reflection in other ways, too. Here are a few nuggets from our conversation:
Examine the issues closely: “I Think You’re Wrong (But I'm Listening) opened up my eyes to thinking about how important it is to do research—not just vote our party line but really to examine the issues and realize that there are a lot of nuances. It's not just binary. That kind of research helps you to have conversations with people who might hold different views."
Cultivate curiosity, inquiry, learning and respect: “It's having a set of skills so that no matter what the issue is, we can stay centered in this place of curiosity, and inquiry, and learning and respect. And not have to leave the discussion feeling like we've won. The whole idea is to want to continue relationship with people. You want to continue the dialogue. If you disagree with someone after having a respectful conversation, you can come back to it, if you've done it well enough."
Ask questions: “Both books talk about curiosity, being so key to asking questions, not not feeling like you have to defend your view, but instead asking people why they've come to their viewpoint."
Listen to their personal story: In a small group that Faith led, she asked, “‘How did you come to your political persuasion? Tell us a little bit about your story, how you were brought up, where you grew up.' As we get to know one another better and hear our stories, sometimes it makes sense why people have the views they do. They've been kind of acculturated based on even the geography, the place where they grew up."
Peace is an inside job. “You have to be doing your work inwardly when you come to these more difficult conversations."
Faith Marsalli is a recently retired Friends Minister who pastored In Klamath Falls for over 20 years. She has two adult daughters, Lydia and Sophia. She was recorded in 2002 by Northwest Yearly Meeting and later transferred her recording to Sierra-Cascades Yearly Meeting of Friends.
Photo: Faith Marsalli at the Klamath Falls Saturday Market
